A friend recently reminded me that our thoughts often become reality so be careful about what you think and say. I think my biggest take away from that is to be kinder to myself. It’s so easy to beat yourself up over something that you think you shouldn’t be stuck in but I think for me grief of this magnitude is something that is so fresh, raw and unthinkable. I have moved through many stages of it and I just need to be kinder to myself when I am feeling it. Stop fighting it. So easy to say yet so hard to do.

My wife gets panic attacks since her daughter died and I think it’s sort of the same thing, a thought, something visual or a memory triggers us and we get swept away by all these intense feelings. I think next time I feel things coming at me like that I’m going to sit and just feel it. Let it wash over and through me. Maybe if I stop fighting the wave I won’t drown.

These feelings are normal and I keep thinking of them as something to change or fight so I think they start to have more control over me than I have over them. Then I get sucked into he vortex of negativity and don’t remember the light. The positive things the fun things we used to do etc.

I need to remind myself to take care of myself to give myself a break that emotions and feelings always run high during the holidays and add in a trauma they are especially high. Taking a step back and letting myself know it’s okay to feel down but not to stay there. Breathe through the feeling and move on with my day.