The Adventures of ReadingGrrl

Home

  • Native Heritage Day: Land Back

    Native Heritage Day: Land Back

    Now if that isn’t a hot button issue I don’t know what is. Do you know whose lands you live on? Do you know the history of where you live? Don’t you think you should? I reside in Pennsylvania on the stolen lands of the Lenape people.

    Does that mean I should turn over the deed to my home or my land to the Lenape people? Maybe, but it could also be in regard to how we care for the land. The Native people of this land were in harmony with it, they nurtured and cared for it. Then Colonialism happened and their land was stolen and the stewards of it were pushed onto small reservations, their language was taken, and their children were stolen and placed in “schools” to try to integrate them into a different culture.

    Is it any wonder that the Native people are fighting to reclaim what they lost? Look what we have done to this land. We have raped it of natural resources, built big cities that have robbed animals of their natural habitats, which in turn changes the whole eco system. Think global warming and you are starting to see the bigger picture.

    The Land Back movement is currently concerned with having Federal lands returned to the sovereign authority of Native People. They are looking for the closure of Mount Rushmore, and return of that land and all public lands in the Black Hills, South Dakota. Mount Rushmore sits in the heart of the sacred Black Hills, and is a huge symbol of white supremacy and colonization. Treaties have been written and ignored by the US Government regarding this land for decades. Its not time to honor them.

    As statues that represented slavery and white supremacy were torn down across the country Mt. Rushmore has been left to stand. As much as I would love to see this as the artistic marvel it is, I don’t believe it belongs in Federal Hands anymore and if it is taken down so be it. As this country continues to fight to dismantle white supremacy and systems of oppression we need to start putting Indigenous Lands back in Indigenous hands.

    I know that sounds scary to some people but we need to start at the beginning. By giving the land back to the steward of this land. Maybe if we do this our planet will actually survive. So for now, don’t worry about your house, and think about turning over federal lands to the people who protected and cared for them long before we were here.

    ,

  • Visualization:the formation of a mental image of something.

    Visualization:the formation of a mental image of something.
    What holidays usually look like

    My wise friend Joe Longo (Inspirecreatemanifest.com)told me that before the holiday season he uses visualization to think about what he would like his holidays to look like. I love this and I’m definitely going to use this practice this year.

    Holidays can be so stressful, with my daughter not wanting to participate if my wife is present to the loss of our youngest. Honestly 2020 when everything was shut down and there was no expectation of getting together was the least stressful and joyous holiday I’ve had in a long time. No expectations, no rushing around, no drama.

    What I am visualizing my holidays to look like

    So I’ve decided I’m going to work on this visualization of how I would like to see my holidays this year. I know that using this process every day for meetings, phone calls etc is also very useful I’m not sure why I never thought to use it for the holidays! Just goes to show that no matter how much you know when you talk to other like minded people you come up with new ways to use what you know.

    ,
    , , ,

  • Chaos:Complete Disorder and Confusion

    Chaos surrounds addicts and I’ve come to believe that those of us who love them or have been around a lot of people addicted to different substances become addicted to the drama and chaos.

    It’s what we know and we become comfortable there in a twisted way. I never realized how much it effected me until a few years ago. As we went through my wife’s oldest daughters addiction, to my wife’s addiction to her youngest daughters addiction. My wife and her oldest daughter are now sober and the toll the chaos took on them and the toll the chaos surrounding our youngest has created ptsd that is hard to heal from.

    The constant worry, the mood ups and downs, the anger, the feeling of constantly being on edge, living your life walking on eggshells. It’s a drain on the entire nervous system. It isn’t until we start taking back our power that the chaos leaves. Now my wife and I can’t stand it, when chaos finds us it’s a big trigger and we know we need to change gears.

    This is hard with my mom being a drama lover, because I get sucked into her orbit and find myself falling back into old patterns, fighting and arguing and creating the drama she needs and I abhor.

    So I’m learning I have to create some boundaries for my sanity, ways I can help and ways I can’t, keeping self care as my main focus and goal. I have to take a step back and ask myself what can I handle and what do we need help with, and then give her the tools or the options to fill in the rest.

    I had a therapist who would draw this Y and say one side of the upper v is one option the other is another option you just need to choose one, otherwise you sit at the intersection and spin, until you finally make a choice. Neither choice is necessarily wrong and you can back track and make a different choice but you can’t stay in indecision that’s where chaos reins. So maybe when I find myself in these spaces with my mom I have to step back and draw myself a Y identify my choices and make a decision.

    , ,

  • Aging Parents

    Aging Parents

    This one is a struggle for me. My mom is almost 80, she is pretty self sufficient except when she is sick. Then she turns into a little kid needing to be taken care of. And she is sick a lot! It’s frustrating and difficult. I’m an only child so she relies on me, however I have 3 grown children who live close by and are happy to help but she still only wants me.

    It’s hard to watch someone who is as stubborn and aggravating as my mother struggling with simple things like taking care of herself when she is sick. She doesn’t like drinking water so she doesn’t, she “forgets” to drink other things so she gets dehydrated, she takes water pills for a heart condition and this pulls even more fluid out of her body. She hates the hospital so she refuses to go, despite multiple doctors telling her to. Then since she had COVID her sense of smell is still wonky making food difficult to eat because nothing tastes good.

    I try to be patient but it’s not my best quality. So I’m trying to learn how to navigate this new normal. Which actually isn’t really that new to me. I’m the child of an alcoholic, surrounded by addiction my whole life (not my mother she just liked the chaos) so hyper focus and knowing how to handle an emergency are some of my greatest talents. They have served me well in life, not gonna lie but sometimes it’s exhausting. Now I’m trying to find balance.

    I can do what I can but I need to know when to draw a line and tell her we need to call in outside help. My go to setting has been to do everything myself but little by little my wife has taught me to ask for help so I don’t burn myself out.

    ,
    ,

  • Parent – a person who brings up and cares for another

    Parenting. Probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. I have 3 biological children and had 2 step daughters who are my wife’s biological children. Blending our families was difficult and didn’t go very well. My kids are much older and her children were very different than mine. We tried but there was a lot of feelings and hurt etc that happened. My wife and I also have very different parenting styles which is also a challenge. Should we have tried family therapy? Looking back I would say absolutely but I was in grad school and there was a lot going on and it just didn’t cross our minds.

    Fast forward several years and now all of our kids are in their 20’s or early 30’s, our youngest passed away a year ago from an overdose and we are still trying to come to terms with that. I have also been struggling with my relationship with one of my daughters. We were super close and now things have become strained. She won’t attend any events family or otherwise where my wife is in attendance and I won’t continue to partition my life to leave my wife out of holidays etc.

    Its hard not to take things personally to feel that when one of your children is angry that it isn’t your fault but the reality is we are all human and we make mistakes I can’t take on her anger as difficult as that is. I can make changes to my behavior now but I can’t change the past and while its easy for me to believe she is mad at me I have to instead change my thinking and start saying she is mad at the situation that we created.

    Did I rely on her too much? Did I put too much pressure on her to be my sounding board? Probably I think most of the parents I have spoken to have done this to one or more of their kids, especially those who have divorced parents. She is definitely the child I have always been closest to, but yet I still speak to, talk to and rely on the others as well, maybe she just doesn’t see that.

    Parenting is hard. No matter how perfect you aim to be, I guarantee your kids will grow up and have some story of how we fucked up. I know I resent the pressure and level of maturity I had to show as a child of a single mother who constantly fell for the broken, addicted men and I know that some of the things I learned in childhood I have had to unlearn in adulthood and some I still have yet to unlearn. But life is a process and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

    We think we know everything in our teens and 20’s and then we get older and start to realize we don’t have all the answers and by then many of us are too scared to ask for help or even admit we need it because we have created a world that isn’t working for us. Breaking ancestral patterns and repeated mistakes (like always falling for the addict or losing yourself in your relationship, giving away your power etc) are hard things to look at and even harder to break but when we become aware of them we can overcome them if we want to.

    So here I am admitting parenting is hard, and not for the faint of heart. I love all my kids and I’m so happy I have such an amazing tribe around me. I am looking forward to the days when my relationship with my daughter isn’t so strained and I hope one day she can forgive me for making mistakes.

  • Crystals & Stones

    Above you will find some of my crystals that I have around my house.

    Rose Quartz (the big round ball) is a self care necessity for me. It’s a heart healer and will bring you into focus with your strength and power. It blesses you with compassion.

    Tigers Eye (the brownish ball) is to help bring clarity to your decisions. It helps clear away the self-doubt and remind you of your strength and confidence. If you are having a hard time making a decision it may be time to sit down and meditate with this guy. It will clear away the cobwebs and bless you with harmony and intention.

    Yellow Apatite – This is attached to the waning crescent moon – it is known for its positive energy to help you achieve your goals. It clears away confusion and stimulates your truth. It’s the stone of manifestation.

    Moss Agate – This is a healing stone. This stone holds a strong connection with the earth and reminds us to appreciate and enjoy each moment. It’s also connected with the heart chakra and helps to release old habits and fears (remember the post about letting shit go? This stone will help!)

    ,
    , ,

  • Eclipse Energy

    So if you didn’t know we had a lunar eclipse last week – it was the last full lunar eclipse for a while and we will be sitting in this energy for approximately 6 months. What energy is it? It’s the energy of letting go and figuring out how you aren’t showing up for yourself and letting that stuff go.

    It can be confusing. I know. And if you haven’t caught on I’m a bit into the woo woo stuff. So how can you figure out what you need to let go of? Well think about what you want – say what you want, then ask yourself why, and keep asking why until you get to the real thing you want. Journal – write shit down. Live in gratitude. Think about the things you are grateful for every day. Think about what you you want as if you already have it and let all the negative self talk, stories etc drop away you don’t need them anymore and the universe is telling you its time to let that shit go.

    So what am I doing. I’ve been keeping a gratitude journal, doing more yoga and really trying to stand up for myself in different situations. Self care and not stressing myself out for others is my biggest goal. They say if you are on a plane to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help others and that’s what I’m learning to do.

    ,
    , , , ,

  • Keeping Busy

    My son and his girlfriend are moving into my old home, his childhood home, which has been rented out to various people for a few years. It was seriously in need of some updates and a big clean out.

    We decided to redo the kitchen, add a powder room, clean everything out and paint. Replace some light fixtures and replace some carpeting.

    We rented a 30 yard dumpster and filled it within a few days and had to have it dumped and returned! Now it’s half filled with very little left to add – I’m starting to see it all coming together and it’s giving me a bittersweet feeling. It’s sad to see the home I raised my kids in, in such disrepair. It was hard to see it ripped apart however, I am so happy that this house will now have a family living in it. I want to see it get the love back that it once had.

    I love the new renovations and changes and I’m excited to see it all come together. I’ve been overseeing the changes and helping out where I can given that I just messed up my ankle a few weeks ago and just got out of a boot.

    ,
    , ,

  • Things that make me smile

    Yesterday was a bit of a downer of a post so I thought I would brighten it up a bit. We found a box of kittens on the porch where my step-daughter lived and died. She loved rescuing animals so we knew the box was her doing. Since most of her belongings were tossed out by the owners of the property we took the cats. We tried to trap the mama cat but she wiggled out of the trap and took off. So I bottle fed them.

    One was the runt, Pizzy, the biggest, Gambit, and the other calico girl, Bean.

    We kept Pizzy and Gambit and gave Bean to one of our friends who lost her son several years ago in a car accident.

    Having the kittens has given us something to focus on. It also brings joy to us in many ways. Pulling cats off the streets of Philadelphia was always a big treat for her. We are not knew to fostering animals we have a whole menagerie due to not being able to let go of so many of them.

    So when Pizzy, Bean and Gambit came to live with us it helped take the focus off the grief and focus on life.

    Now every day as I get whacked in the head by a flying Gambit jumping from the stairs to the couch I remind myself this is our daughters way of still being around to torture us in a good way.

    ,

  • Grief – Deep sorrow, especially caused by a loved ones death

    Grief – Deep sorrow, especially caused by a loved ones death

    I can’t very well write about the day of the dead and not mention grief now can I? Things have been hard this past year. We lost my step-daughter to fentanyl last September, she was twenty.

    Grief takes many twists and turns and doesn’t ever look the way you think it will. I noticed that I have been pushing down my feelings for a long time. Keeping myself busy, overworking, over extending etc but those feelings don’t go away, they just sneak up and bite you when you least expect it.

    photo from speakinggrief.org

    I have a few friends who have lost children and I have also noticed the difference in people when someone dies from a tragic accident and when someone dies of an overdose. Addiction carries with it so many negative reactions but no one seems to realize that this is a national crisis. I’m not just talking about drugs either, alcohol is also killing a lot of people. Yet we see in gift shops and online “it’s wine o’clock”, “it’s 6 O’clock somewhere” etc. Masking our feelings with substances isn’t new but for some reason drinking isn’t looked down upon as drugs are.

    But here are the facts most people addicted to drugs didn’t start out saying hey I think I want to be addicted to xyz drug. Ask most drug addicts and they will tell you they are living in hell. They sell pretty much anything they own, lose most of their families, and hate themselves but they can’t stop. You see, stopping is very very hard. Not just because of detox (which I’ve heard is a new kind of hell) and after you deal with that you have to deal with all the things that happened to you while you were using, all the things you did to others while you were using and what made you start using in the first place. Recovery is not for the faint of heart and it’s hard as hell. I think addicts in recovery are some of the bravest people because they are facing their demons while those who don’t have addiction issues continue to use things to cover up feelings or issues that we don’t like.

    Had a bad day, have a glass of wine, going out to have a good time, well that has to involve alcohol because it’s not fun unless you are hammered. It’s time we stop putting down addicts and start looking at a society that is so difficult to function in that people are turning to things to hide their emotions and feelings.

    But I’m already off topic. I wanted to talk about grief. It’s a struggle. Especially the traumatic grief we are going through. The trauma of knowing she was out there using, getting hurt and there was nothing we could do about it was endless torture. Not knowing if or when we would get a call like the one we finally received. Some would think that it’s almost a relief to know she isn’t putting herself in dangerous situations anymore but its not. Now we have to deal with knowing we will never again see her walk through the door, her sister has to contemplate a life without her in it even though they had plans.

    When she was alive no matter how torturous it was there was always hope that maybe she would find a way to get and stay clean. I can’t tell you the number of rehabs she was in. How many times we had her arrested just so we would know she wasn’t on the street and was safe. Luckily we united as a family around her. Me, her mom and dad, her sister, we made decisions together on what to do, how to act or react, this saved us in some ways because when that call came we knew we did everything we could and we couldn’t pin the blame on this person or that person.

    So here I am a year later, still hurting, finally sitting in it, writing this and maybe hoping that someone else will read this and know they aren’t alone. I won’t ever get over it, her death has changed me, changed all of us, but I will find a way to honor her every day. We have photos of her up throughout the house along with our other kids, we talk about her, quote her, and laugh about some of the silly things she did. She was more than her addiction, she was a young girl who had a family who loved her, who loved animals and even while she was out there she was rescuing cats and helping however she could. I just wish she could have helped herself.

    ,
    , , ,