Parenting. Probably the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. I have 3 biological children and had 2 step daughters who are my wife’s biological children. Blending our families was difficult and didn’t go very well. My kids are much older and her children were very different than mine. We tried but there was a lot of feelings and hurt etc that happened. My wife and I also have very different parenting styles which is also a challenge. Should we have tried family therapy? Looking back I would say absolutely but I was in grad school and there was a lot going on and it just didn’t cross our minds.

Fast forward several years and now all of our kids are in their 20’s or early 30’s, our youngest passed away a year ago from an overdose and we are still trying to come to terms with that. I have also been struggling with my relationship with one of my daughters. We were super close and now things have become strained. She won’t attend any events family or otherwise where my wife is in attendance and I won’t continue to partition my life to leave my wife out of holidays etc.

Its hard not to take things personally to feel that when one of your children is angry that it isn’t your fault but the reality is we are all human and we make mistakes I can’t take on her anger as difficult as that is. I can make changes to my behavior now but I can’t change the past and while its easy for me to believe she is mad at me I have to instead change my thinking and start saying she is mad at the situation that we created.

Did I rely on her too much? Did I put too much pressure on her to be my sounding board? Probably I think most of the parents I have spoken to have done this to one or more of their kids, especially those who have divorced parents. She is definitely the child I have always been closest to, but yet I still speak to, talk to and rely on the others as well, maybe she just doesn’t see that.

Parenting is hard. No matter how perfect you aim to be, I guarantee your kids will grow up and have some story of how we fucked up. I know I resent the pressure and level of maturity I had to show as a child of a single mother who constantly fell for the broken, addicted men and I know that some of the things I learned in childhood I have had to unlearn in adulthood and some I still have yet to unlearn. But life is a process and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

We think we know everything in our teens and 20’s and then we get older and start to realize we don’t have all the answers and by then many of us are too scared to ask for help or even admit we need it because we have created a world that isn’t working for us. Breaking ancestral patterns and repeated mistakes (like always falling for the addict or losing yourself in your relationship, giving away your power etc) are hard things to look at and even harder to break but when we become aware of them we can overcome them if we want to.

So here I am admitting parenting is hard, and not for the faint of heart. I love all my kids and I’m so happy I have such an amazing tribe around me. I am looking forward to the days when my relationship with my daughter isn’t so strained and I hope one day she can forgive me for making mistakes.